Shannon Stacey

Peeing in the woods…or not

Recently, with no decent snowmobiling to be found and zombies being killed via PS3 on the TV, my husband and I succumbed to boredom and went to Walmart. Yay, right? Not the most exciting date we’ve ever been on, but it was better than…

Him: I’m bored.
Me: Me, too.
Him: What do you want to do?
Me: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Him: It’s up to you.

Yeah, after several hours of that, a trip to Walmart was looking like Disney World, especially since it’s officially a Supercenter now. Of course my husband had to check the ammo cases because, apparently, empty shelves do something for him, and he ended up in a conversation with some other guy who’s also into empty shelves behind locked glass doors.

gogirl After about ten seconds of that, I got bored and wandered away. The camping aisle was nearby, so lots of goodies to look at. Our camping isn’t really camping (we get annoyed when the satellite dish doesn’t get a signal), but I love camping stuff, anyway. Then I saw a little pink plastic container that said GoGirl. I thought it was some kind of waterproof tube with a little roll of toilet paper inside.

Now, at the risk of TMI, I can’t pee in the woods. Even if I got past the modesty issues and the shy bladder issues, I do not have the coordination to hang my butt over a log without bad things happening. Picture me hanging upside down, pants around my ankles and caught on a branch while I pee on myself, and having to call my husband to help me.

Actually, you know what? Don’t.

Anyway, if we’re shooting for over 50 miles or so, it’s all about finding the perfect level of dehydration—don’t have to pee, but also don’t pass out and fall off a fast-moving four-wheeler. But I’ve had to help the Wee Baby Sis pee in the woods and, wow, was that a circus. (I have boys, who are self-sufficient in such things.) And occasionally we’re accompanied by a woman who’s willing to pee in the woods, but doesn’t have any tissues. So I thought, hey, I could throw this in my cargo box and forget about it unless somebody needs it. (Little packages of tissues don’t stand up well.) So I picked it up.

It is not a cute little roll of toilet paper. It is a “Female Urination Device”.


I thought this was the most fascinating thing I’d ever seen in my entire life. (Keeping in mind, of course, that going to Walmart with my husband was the most exciting thing to happen to me in at least a week.)

I spent a few minutes examining this technological wonder (girls can pee standing up!) before my husband came looking for me. He knows if I’m left too long in the camping aisle, I’ll convince myself we need propane camp stoves and lanterns and machetes and water purification tables and MREs and more flashlights, just in case. (This is also why I was forbidden from watching Doomsday Preppers.)

I showed him my treasure.

“When you were pregnant, how many times did you manage to pee in the cup without getting your hand wet?”

I want to get him a vanity plate that says FUNKLLR. I put it back and allowed myself to be dragged from the camping aisle (and he’s going to be sorry when the apocalypse comes and we only have 28 flashlights), but I think somebody needs to try this and report back. Their website:

11 comments to “Peeing in the woods…or not”

  1. Karen j
      · February 4th, 2014 at 9:56 am · Link

    Oh my gosh!! That is like the best invention ever!!!! That is one of the main reasons I don’t like to camp! Im like you, me…the woods and a log do not mix! lol

  2. Shannon
      · February 4th, 2014 at 10:09 am · Link

    It annoys me that men can pee a tree so discreetly people don’t even know they’re doing it and we have to get half-undressed and hang our butts over logs. So unfair, LOL!

  3. Lee Laughlin
      · February 4th, 2014 at 10:16 am · Link

    I’ve seen this before and I’m convinced I’d pee in my shoes.

  4. Louise
      · February 4th, 2014 at 7:25 pm · Link

    The trick is to lean against a tree. Preferably one that the men haven’t just used. :) Use one hand to steady yourself and use the other to hold your pants as far away as possible. It’s hard on leg muscles, but if you push yourself into the tree it helps hold a better squatting position.

    Granted I haven’t had to do this much in recent years, but as the very much an indoor girl type, it’s nice that I’m better at it than my sister, who is very outdoorsy. She has to take her pants all the way off one leg.

  5. Shannon
      · February 4th, 2014 at 7:32 pm · Link

    That makes more sense than trying to squat over a log, though I have no doubt I’d fall over. My husband calls me Grace for a reason. :)

    And my short kid always cracks me up. He was older than he’d care for me to admit before he learned how to just open the front of his drawers enough to do his business and he’d drop his pants to his ankles to pee on a tree.

  6. Lynda the Guppy
      · February 4th, 2014 at 7:35 pm · Link

    I don’t pee in the woods, mainly because I don’t go to the woods, but I do know in the travel aisle at Target (and I’m assuming Walmart, too) you can get little mini travel rolls of toilet paper.

    Also, this looks sooooo much easier than peeing in a cup, mainly because the shape would kind of protect? your hand.

  7. Shannon
      · February 4th, 2014 at 7:38 pm · Link

    I want to know if the funnel end is flexible enough so I could write my name in the snow. (Or in the dirt, at least. Even if I were inclined to expose the ladybits to the elements, there’s a temperature requirement.)

  8. Ada
      · February 5th, 2014 at 3:50 am · Link

    Ohhh now I could use that type of device! If only I were the type to go to the woods but I positively hate all things outdoors! However, that could be just what would help me haha

  9. Shannon
      · February 5th, 2014 at 7:37 am · Link

    It also said something on the packaging about festivals and what-not. (Like Woodstock?) I suspect local decency laws would still apply, though, LOL.

  10. Ruth
      · February 7th, 2014 at 7:12 pm · Link

    I can so identify with the conversation! If I ever go more insane I am going to open a restaurant/store called I Don’t Care. I’ve also learned that one needs to go to the grand opening of a Super WalMart so you can see all the checkout lines open and all the shelves fully stocked!

  11. Shannon
      · February 10th, 2014 at 5:22 pm · Link

    It was crazy, though. There was a guy in a gigantic Oreo costume who kept knocking stuff over!

    And I would totally eat and/or shop at I Don’t Care. :D

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