Shannon Stacey

Adventures in Take-Out

Last night, my husband—who’s got 20 years of experience in reading my moods—suggested take-out for dinner. Yay! Called up our local house of pizza, who feeds my family more often than I do, and ordered our pizza and my husband’s spaghetti. But I can’t go anywhere without drama. My husband’s convinced I’m actually a magnet for road-drama and every time I leave the house, his last words are always a very firm “drive safely”.

Like it’s my fault!

First I ran into my road nemesis—the moron who needs an engraved invitation to pull out. I try to be nice when I’m driving (no really, I do!) and let people out into traffic. Mr. Toyota truck was coming out of a parking lot where it’s notoriously hard to go left. There was nobody coming the other way and a line of traffic behind me, so I slowed down and waved him out. He sat there. You know this guy. He’s the one who sits while you wave and flash your lights and beep your horn and you’re practically doing semaphore out the freaking window to get him to pull out.

Then, when you scream “SCREW YOU, YOU STUPID JERK BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE!” and start to go, he pulls out. You almost drive into the side of his truck and he flips you off and mouths “crazy bitch” at you.

But there’s pizza at this end of this journey and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t let me bring it to the police station with me, so I let it go.

I had Kermit the Fiesta, so I grabbed some car debris to build up the passenger seat to level so all the cheese and pepperoni wouldn’t slide to the back. Then I set the bag with my husband’s spaghetti on top.

A little backstory infodump: I talk to everything. Inanimate objects. Drivers who can’t hear me. Televisions. While I have difficulty speaking to people, I talk to things that can’t talk back almost constantly. Especially when I’m driving. It’s like self-color commentary.

Last night was fairly mild, weather-wise, and I had the window about 3/4 down. Early spring is a particularly embarrassing time for me because I always forget about that damn open window. Like I did last night when I took the left corner a little hard and the spaghetti started to slide across the top of the pizza box…

“OH MY GOD, BASGHETTI, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” And then, when the bag wedged against the door handle, just out of my reach… “STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS!”

I have got to stop staying stupid things in all caps downtown when the window’s down.

11 comments to “Adventures in Take-Out”

  1. Stephanie G
      · March 15th, 2013 at 9:01 am · Link

    OMG! LOL Thank you for the laugh. I can just picture you yelling to the “basghetti” to stay alive! :D Happy Friday!!

  2. Cynthia D'Alba
      · March 15th, 2013 at 9:13 am · Link

    I USED to let people pull out until the day I signaled someone to pull in front of me. The signal light on my side wasn’t blinking so I THOUGHT he was turning right. Silly me. He was turning RIGHT without a signal. He pulled in front of me and then into the next lane, where a motorcycle rider had just decided to swing into that land and hit the gas. He hit the car.

    No one was hurt but I ENDED UP IN COURT! I wasn’t sued (the driver of the car was sued by the motorcycle rider) BUT the judge said I could have been sued too since I had let the car pull out. Seriously.

    And yes, I talk to my pizza as I drive home. :)

  3. library addict
      · March 15th, 2013 at 9:50 am · Link

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who talks to inanimate objects.

    Now I have Clannad’s I Will Find You stuck in my brain.

  4. Susan Ann Wall
      · March 15th, 2013 at 9:53 am · Link

    I know that guy!! Those drivers make me mental! Try to do a nice deed…indeed! My kids always get quiet when I yell at “that guy.”

  5. Lee Laughlin
      · March 15th, 2013 at 10:04 am · Link

    Yeah, due to vision issues, I learned to drive late in life and my instructor told me to never wave another car or a pedestrian on. If they get hit it could be my fault.

    Yes, I talk to everything too. My kids are constantly saying “What? What?”

    Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Tracy S
      · March 15th, 2013 at 10:36 am · Link

    I talk inanimate objects all the time too. I also mutter to myself at the grocery store. LOL

  7. Dawn Bell
      · March 15th, 2013 at 11:29 am · Link

    Hi Shannon, that made my day, too funny. I have done the same, glad others shared their experiences as I didn’t know you could be held responsible if you let someone “out” in front of you. I had a guy next to me last night he was in the right turn lane at a red light, mind you I had my fathers Explorer as mine was in the shop, and this knob floored it when the light turned green and then cut me off. He’s lucky someone didn’t clip him or run a red. Hope the Basghetti made it home ok. :) Looking forward to the next Kowalski book!

  8. Karen
      · March 15th, 2013 at 1:11 pm · Link

    I swear, all these people just need to GET OFF MY ROADS!

  9. Negar
      · March 15th, 2013 at 4:07 pm · Link

    I love the quoting Daniel Day-Lewis!

  10. azteclady
      · March 15th, 2013 at 5:17 pm · Link

    Oh how I needed to laugh–thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

  11. Lynda the Guppy
      · March 16th, 2013 at 10:21 pm · Link

    Oh, I talk to things all. the. time. While I haven’t been caught talking to imaginary people when the window is down, I HAVE been caught car dancing & singing along to a Warblers (glee) cover of Katy Perry turned up to 11.

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