Shannon Stacey

Groceries, cleavage and a little bit of heartburn

Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I had the dubious pleasure of standing next to a woman when her ample bosom began to ring. Then I had the even more dubious pleasure of watching her fish around in her cleavage to retrieve her phone. She wiped the sweat off the screen with her shirt and sneered at the caller ID screen before silencing the ringer and shoving it back down between her lady pillows.

If you were to ask me, I’d tell you I’m pretty good at maintaining a neutral expression in the face of witnessing somebody…oh, I don’t know, wiping boob sweat off her phone? But considering how often I get dirty looks—occasionally accompanied by hand gestures—I’m probably not as good at schooling my expression as I’d like to think I am.

So anyway, she looked at me and said: “Everybody carries them there.”

Refraining from pointing out that, while I’ve seen many women tuck their cellphones under their bra straps, I rarely see women elbow deep, fishing for the phone which thankfully for them got hung up on the muffin top, I held up the Droid X in my hand and said: “Depends on the phone, I guess.”

“Yeah, that won’t work for you,” she said after giving my bosom the same sneery look she’d given her boob sweat-smeared caller ID screen.

I managed to keep myself from asking her if she’d carry my iPad around for me and went on my way…where I was, several aisles later, hit on by a very tall, very skinny man with nothing in his cart but twelve-packs of Dr. Pepper, two bottles of Rolaids and an End of Days-worthy stockpile of microwaveable frozen pizzas. And not the good ones, either. His cart was teeming with those 99-cent specials with the cheese-like shavings and sauce on a cardboard frisbee. I can only guess at his motivation:

Woman with a full cart + an ass the size of Montana = a woman who can cook.

(If you know me well, you either just laughed or snorted because the poor man was so very, very wrong.)

And for those accustomed to me saying “an ass the size of Wisconsin” and not Montana, I offer two words: Winter. Weight. I put on a little. And by a little, I mean a very large tribe of cannibals could survive on me for so long they’d have to dump the leftover me because there’s just too much.

(Extra points if you remembered the opening of this rambling blog post and thought Yeah, unless they like breast meat.)

And on that note, I should probably go now. But I swear, if we ever win the Powerball, the first thing I’m going to do is hire somebody to do my grocery shopping for me.

Which chore or errand would you hire somebody to do for you?

14 comments to “Groceries, cleavage and a little bit of heartburn”

  1. Jaci Burton
      · May 10th, 2011 at 10:24 am · Link

    This blog post made me laugh so damn hard I launched into a massive coughing fit.

    *shakes fist* Damn you, Shan.

    Oh, and for the record, my phone is usually in the pocket of my jeans, in my purse, or if no pocket or purse, it’s in my hand. Never, never in my bra or tucked anywhere near my boobs. Ew.

  2. Alison Kent
      · May 10th, 2011 at 10:40 am · Link

    I carry my Blackberry with my boob and it gets sweaty! But that’s only when I’m walking and I pop it into my sports bra so I can hear it over my iPod!

  3. Shai
      · May 10th, 2011 at 11:06 am · Link

    I guess we all have to admire someone who’s on the front lines of figuring out once and for all whether there’s a link between the low levels of radiation emitted by cell phones and an increased risk of breast cancer.

    Even if they sneer a lot.

  4. Trish
      · May 10th, 2011 at 11:09 am · Link

    I just laughed until I may have peed myself! But I have to admit, I do sometimes put my phone in my sports bra while doing my walk/run, but it is in a little pouch. My shorts have small pockets and if I put to much in it my shorts start to fall off no matter how tight I tie them. I should also mention I would hire someone in a minute to do my dishes and scrub my floors, hate those tasks. I do however like to shop, it’s like my time to myself.

  5. Lee Laughlin
      · May 10th, 2011 at 11:28 am · Link

    OMG!!! That . . . just . . . Ewwwww! I can’t say I’ve EVER seen a phone carried on *ahem* the rack. I actually enjoy grocery shopping (sick, I know), but recently, we did hire someone to come to clean the house every two weeks. THAT is my own personal nirvana!!

  6. Jill Shalvis
      · May 10th, 2011 at 12:56 pm · Link

    You crack me up. And hello, winter weight, I’m sitting on mine.

    And … sometimes I carry my phone in my bra. It’s because my sweats don’t have pockets, I swear! Don’t judge me too harshly. :)

  7. Sara
      · May 10th, 2011 at 1:11 pm · Link

    OMG…that is too funny! I can see carrying your phone in your bra strap cause sometimes if I am working out with weights I tuck mine under there but between your boobs? Seriously? Having to wipe the sweat off the phone just grosses me out and I would have totally been laughing out loud at the woman. Make me think of the sign I saw yesterday when I was in Vancouver it was a street person holding the sign and it says ” Smile if you masturbate!” Well holy crap all these people are walking by stone faced and I just burst out laughing I mean that is funny!
    If I won any amount of money I would totally hire a chef and a maid since I have three little boys who eat a ton and make lots of messes! It would give me time to read more books sitting on all the winter weight I put on!

  8. ElaineSay
      · May 10th, 2011 at 1:45 pm · Link

    OMG! :) I about died laughing from this blog!! Shannon you are tooo funny!! I gonna ask her to whole my ipad! haha I am literally relaughing at about it as I am typing this. I just want to say Thank you! I was having a really really bad day but reading this really made me just stop worrying and just laugh! :)

  9. Cindi
      · May 10th, 2011 at 3:12 pm · Link

    My first time on this blog and I think I’ll have to check back again tomorrow ;) Thank you so much for answering a question I had no one to ask: Is this common? I recently saw my MOTHER take her phone out of her bra (it wasn’t sweaty) and I just lost it!. She said she saw my sister do it … The worst part was we were sitting in the ER with my dad who we thought might be having a stroke (he wasn’t) and so lots of nurses – many of them male – stuck their head in our room to see what was causing all the fuss. One saw my mom calmly stick her phone back in her chest and just grinned. So I think its quite popular. But I already wear a minimizer so just cringe at the thought of adding to the already overwhelming load because I WOULD sweat. Ick.

  10. Michelle Jordan
      · May 10th, 2011 at 3:15 pm · Link


    You crack me up. But, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE refrain from ever using the term “lady pillows” again.

    OK? Thanks.

    AND – I too would love to have a grocery shopper AND a laundry whore to boot, but she would have to iron also…

  11. Monie/Monica
      · May 10th, 2011 at 3:15 pm · Link

    OMG!!! This was the best post!!! I have to share this!

    My daughter had her phone in there when she didn’t have as much cleveage and she got sick in the middle of the night — her phone fell in the barf puddle! I couldn’t stop laughing and the poor thing was so sick. Good thing I could laugh when I was up in the middle of the night cleaning up barf!

  12. Monie/Monica
      · May 10th, 2011 at 3:16 pm · Link

    Oh and definately I would wnat someone to clean and grocery shop for me!

  13. Jean
      · May 10th, 2011 at 5:56 pm · Link

    Weed eat. It’s not hard to do but I just don’t like doing it.

    Love to grocery shop.

    Rolling. On. The. Floor. Laughing. for iPad carrying comment!

    For the record, I NEVER carry my cell phone anywhere near there (and yes, there is plenty of cushioning if I were so inclined). I wear Wrangler painter jeans and carry the cell phone in the ruler pocket. I don’t always hear it there, much to hubby’s chagrin, but he’s the only person who ever calls me, and that’s usually to find out where I’ve disappeared to in the store.

  14. Jewell
      · May 11th, 2011 at 1:15 am · Link

    Let me guess. The woman had on jeans or spandex far too small to accomodate the phone?

    And she actually checked out your boobage? Bwahahahaha.

    Me? Take away the grocery shopping and toliet cleaning and I’d be quite happy. I grumble my way through both.

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