If you’ve known me a while, you know that while I’m afraid of everything from potato peelers to moving a sleeping cat, my one true deep, dark phobia is chicken feet. Not chickens. Just the feet.
This morning, after dropping the Short Kid off at school early for his Student Council meeting, I popped into the grocery store to rummage up something for supper tonight. I didn’t bother with a cart, just went straight to the meat department to see how the chicken looked. I reached for a package of boneless chicken breasts and there they were…
Packages and packages of pale, plastic-wrapped chicken feet.
Next thing I knew, I was in the lady’s restroom, which thankfully isn’t far from the meat department. I really hope I didn’t step on any children or run over any elderly women on my way there, but I don’t know. Previous reactions to being confronted with chicken feet (and really, there have been way more chicken feet episodes than one would reasonably expect one person to have) include blacking out, vomiting and vaulting over a spear-tipped, wrought-iron fence after which I locked myself in my aunt’s minivan. I have no memory of my aunt and mother beating on the windows, trying to get in.
After about fifteen minutes in the restroom during which I managed to stop hyperventilating and even tweeted about my situation—and nobody ran to my rescue, which is the downside to all of my friends living on my computer—I managed to at least fake being an adult about the situation. I left the restroom and took an immediate right, away from the meats. I went all the way to the far wall and walked up the dairy aisle and straight out the door. Then I drove to another grocery store to get supper, which won’t be chicken.
I don’t like change—that’s been my grocery store since it opened but, really, what possible reason could there be for somebody in central New Hampshire to want to buy a package of chicken feet? Since it would be unreasonable to call them and tell them to stop stocking chicken feet, I’m going to have to find a new grocery store.