Shannon Stacey

Weekend funny: Church ladies

Some of these really killed me, so I thought I’d share them with y’all while I hit the manuscript hard this weekend. I emphasized my favorite in bold font (thought it wasn’t easy—the Hamlet one was really good, too).

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘ I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours “.

7 comments to “Weekend funny: Church ladies”

  1. MariElle Betets
      · July 25th, 2009 at 9:36 am · Link

    loved them, thanx

  2. Emma Wayne Porter
      · July 25th, 2009 at 1:02 pm · Link

    Thank you for making me cry off all my mascara. Ow.

  3. Jill Sorenson
      · July 25th, 2009 at 1:51 pm · Link

    :lmao: OMG. I think I hurt something. Proceeds will be used to cripple children! *crying*

  4. Patti
      · July 25th, 2009 at 4:31 pm · Link

    Soooo funny.

  5. krulayar
      · July 26th, 2009 at 3:39 am · Link


    Please visit
    Please refer to someone incharged for whatever religion you are. This is an extremely important message for all mankind.


  6. Jewell
      · July 27th, 2009 at 5:08 pm · Link

    Oh my, Shannon…

    You have been hit with a religion troll.

    I often wonder why people can’t be light-hearted rather than stalking. Sigh

  7. Cynia King
      · July 27th, 2009 at 5:45 pm · Link

    I’m heading over for the Potluck supper followed by prayer and medication …

  • Get my latest news straight to your inbox!

    I'll only be sending newsletters when I have news to share, and I'll never share your information. You'll receive an email asking you confirm your subscription (so please check your spam box if you don't receive that). You can unsubscribe at anytime.


  • Affiliation

    Shannon Stacey is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of

    If you purchase a book listed on the site from, she’ll earn a small commission. Thank you!