Dear Ms. Dimon,
This afternoon I heard Mom make a squealing noise and knew we were in trouble. I used to think she was being kidnapped when she made that sound, but now I know it just means she got a book she really wanted. (Someday she’s really going to get kidnapped and we’ll just think she’s reading a book somewhere until we all run out of clean underwear.)
You might be wondering why I’m hiding under the dining room table with a book with two bad words in the title. (Most people don’t think hot is a bad word, but one day at school I said a certain blonde girl looked hot with her hair in a ponytail through a baseball cap and my teacher choked and Mom suggested I not say it again.)
But I’m hiding with your book because I’m hungry. I need to eat. And Mom needs to check my homework so I can put it in my backpack for tomorrow. And tomorrow’s Halloween and Mom needs to finish my Julius Caesar costume before I leave for school. (To wear it at school it’s supposed to be a literary character, so I’m hoping my teacher likes Shakespeare.) And the dog really, really, really, really needs to go potty so bad she stopped doing the peepee dance and is sitting up against the door with her legs crossed.
I promise when she’s done all her Mom work, I’ll give it back to her and I’m writing to you so maybe you pretty please won’t have a new book come out on the day before my birthday or on Christmas Eve because whenever a book shows up with your name on it, Mom gets nothing done.