Shannon Stacey

How to win over readers via comment rants

1. When you post on a reader blog, be incoherent and forgo capitalization, punctuation and any mastery whatsoever of the English language. This reassures readers they will be so distracted while reading they won’t notice the plot holes your paperdoll characters fell into.

2. Strongly imply readers simply don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend your work. This will reassure them you are a Very Intelligent Author who must therefore write superior books.

3. If, by this point, the readers are still seemingly resistant to your charming ways, enlist a half-dozen or so of your friends to attempt browbeating them into submission. (Most effective if they also employ tactics one and two.) If you have a friend who’s able to compose passive-aggressive insults riddled with misspelled obsenities that don’t make any sense whatsoever, let her take the forefront.

4. If the majority of the readers claim they’ve never even heard of you, let no run-on, barely coherent paragraph pass without a mention of your bestseller status. If they’ve never heard of you, they won’t know any better, right? And the fact that, of the twelve copies your publisher managed to sell in the first quarter, seven were yours definitely qualifies you as a bestseller. Too bad your publisher’s rabid, mentally-unstable chihuahua ate the royalty statements, preventing her from sending you a check. Ever.

5. You get extra brownie points if you can get your publisher or editor to make a personal appearance to explain how it’s all the chihuahua’s fault, especially if 69% or more of the words are spelled wrong. You win by default if she misspells the name of her own business. Readers love donating their book money to support illiteracy. Seriously.

6. Readers admire persistence, so end every comment with a reassurance you’re never coming back. Have another grammatically-garbled rant ready to post within five minutes.



6 comments to “How to win over readers via comment rants”

  1. Natalie J. Damschroder
      · June 1st, 2008 at 8:22 pm · Link

    You are so mean! Now I desperately want a link. What are the chances you’ll send me one? :groucho:

  2. Annmarie
      · June 1st, 2008 at 9:49 pm · Link

    I have seen this before. Recently. In fact, I saw it today posted via another bloggers blog.

    And, no. I’ve never heard of her. Prolly never will til her next rant.

  3. Shannon
      · June 2nd, 2008 at 7:52 am · Link

    It’s kind of a cumulative thing based on dozens of episodes/authors/publishers, but here wouldn’t be a bad place to start.

  4. Annmarie
      · June 2nd, 2008 at 10:52 am · Link

    Yep. That was what I was referring to.

  5. Shiloh Walker
      · June 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 pm · Link

    Daggone it… stupid comment got eaten, grumble snarl, scowl.


    What I said was…

    Daggone it, that’s what I’m doing wrong. I’m not ranting enough online.

    Or something like that…

  6. HelenKay Dimon
      · June 4th, 2008 at 1:48 am · Link

    Wow. I chuckled for a good five minutes over this. Thank you. Especially liked: “You win by default if she misspells the name of her own business. Readers love donating their book money to support illiteracy. Seriously.” :devil:

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