1. When you post on a reader blog, be incoherent and forgo capitalization, punctuation and any mastery whatsoever of the English language. This reassures readers they will be so distracted while reading they won’t notice the plot holes your paperdoll characters fell into.

2. Strongly imply readers simply don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend your work. This will reassure them you are a Very Intelligent Author who must therefore write superior books.

3. If, by this point, the readers are still seemingly resistant to your charming ways, enlist a half-dozen or so of your friends to attempt browbeating them into submission. (Most effective if they also employ tactics one and two.) If you have a friend who’s able to compose passive-aggressive insults riddled with misspelled obsenities that don’t make any sense whatsoever, let her take the forefront.

4. If the majority of the readers claim they’ve never even heard of you, let no run-on, barely coherent paragraph pass without a mention of your bestseller status. If they’ve never heard of you, they won’t know any better, right? And the fact that, of the twelve copies your publisher managed to sell in the first quarter, seven were yours definitely qualifies you as a bestseller. Too bad your publisher’s rabid, mentally-unstable chihuahua ate the royalty statements, preventing her from sending you a check. Ever.

5. You get extra brownie points if you can get your publisher or editor to make a personal appearance to explain how it’s all the chihuahua’s fault, especially if 69% or more of the words are spelled wrong. You win by default if she misspells the name of her own business. Readers love donating their book money to support illiteracy. Seriously.

6. Readers admire persistence, so end every comment with a reassurance you’re never coming back. Have another grammatically-garbled rant ready to post within five minutes.

Rinse.

Repeat.