Neil Diamond? Oh, come on! What’s next? Julia Ward Howe week?

Digression—NCIS: Anybody else think the giving of the laptop would have been more touching if she’d given her the power cord, too?

Anyway…(Pleasepleaseplease don’t let Archuleta sing “Sweet Caroline”.)

Crap, they’re each doing two songs tonight. I’ll take the performances in order rather than try to collate.

Dear Jason Castro: (“Forever in Blue Jeans”) I actually liked it, especially the opening lines where you used that deeper man voice. Unfortunately, toward the end you reverted to Ukelele Boy again.

Dear David Cook: (“I’m Alive”) The chorus was your usual awesome, but the opening was…flat. Like deep rocker robo-voice. Still better than Ukelele Boy, of course.

Dear Brooke White: (“I’m a Believer”) Ack. The karaoke version at the end of Shrek was a gazillion times better. Sweetie, when you get your ass kicked vocally by Donkey, it’s time to pack your bag, grab a tuppence or two and go feed the birds.

Dear David Archuleta: (“Sweet Caroline”) I knew it. Dammit. As a Red Sox fan, I found your rendition to be lacking in energy. Dude, don’t you know you have to shout the BOM BOM BOM really loud? But I’m sure you have plenty of voters out there—probably a lot of :censor: Yankees fans—and you’ll survive.

Dear Syesha Mercado: (“Hello Again”) Pretty. Well sung. Boring.

Dear Jason Castro again: (“September Morning”) That was very pretty. Really. I have, however, discovered this season I like my male singers to be as alpha as my romance heroes. You’re just too beta for me, honeypie.

Dear David Cook again: (“All I Really Need is You”) You sound a lot like the (former?) lead singer of Fuel. And the better you are, the more boring I look because there’s no room for mocking. Even a New Englander can only say “Wicked awesome” so many times. You totally outsang Donkey, though.

Dear Brooke White again: (“I am, I said”) So that was actually pretty good, I thought. Granted, I was pretty distracted, pondering whether or not there should be a comma in the title of the song. Being a comma whore, I decided there should.

Dear David Archuleta: (“Coming to America”) You want a little wine with that cheese?

Dear Syesha Mercado again: (“Thank the Lord for the Nighttime”) I think was, surprisingly, my favorite of the not-David-Cooks. When you get that high-personality, bluesy thing going, I like you.

I vote to evict: David Archuleta (for singing “Sweet Caroline”)

I think the mad texters should vote to evict: Brooke White