Dear Michael Johns: (“Dream On” by Aerosmith”) Dude, you totally had me drooling with adoration for you, until you tried to reach for it. Only Steven Tyler can do that without making me cringe. Bonus points for choosing a tough song that spoke to you. If I had a chihuahua, it would have liked you.
Dear Syesha Mercado: (“I Believe” by Fantasia) Let’s be honest. I fast-fowarded through you and I’m not sorry.
Dear Jason Castro: (“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” — a Hawaiian ukelele version) :gaah: I like you so much, but you don’t listen. Pretty melodies accompanied by miniature guitar things are wonderful, but you’re on Idol, sweetie. You’ve got to bring it. Blow some shit up for the general voting masses.
Dear Kristy Lee Cook: (“Anyway” by Martina McBride)
*pause DVR* — That’s a seriously ballsy song choice, chica. Seriously. — *unpause DVR*
And you blew it. You picked it up a bit at the end, but overall I think it was weak. (And don’t listen to Paula. She was probably on her third refill of “Coca-Cola” by now.)
Dear David Cook: (“Innocent” by Our Lady of Peace) (what…by who?) I don’t think I’ve ever heard the song, but it was…interesting. Your voice remains much loved by me, but it was a little weird. Then again, I know all the words to every Reba song and every ABBA song, too,Â so I’m probably not your target demographic.
Dear Carly Smithson: (“The Show Must Go On” by Queen) I have to close my eyes now while you sing because when I watch you I feel like I’ve pissed you off and you’re going to put me in time out, but as to the singing…I thought you rocked it. Singing Freddie’s always tough, but you gave it hell. Honestly, I was hoping that with the inspirational theme, you might have gone with a haunting ballad from your native land, but what do I know?
Dear David Archuleta: (“Angels” by…he didn’t say)
Oh wait. I’m awake. Bored, but awake. I’m trying not to let rumors your father’s a Stage Nazi influence my thinking, but I thought once you punched it up a notch toward the end, it was pretty good.
Dear Brooke White: (“You’ve Got a Friend” written by Carol King) Gag. That performance belonged on top of a stack of waffles and, in real life, I’d have shoved you in a locker by now. You suckered me in with “Love is a Battlefield”, but now you’re like coffee with extra extra sugar, and I like mine cream only.
Dear Idols en masse: The theme was inspirational songs and nobody sang “Wind Beneath my Wings”? What the hell?
Oh, and Dear Chef Ramsay: I’m so glad “Hell’s Kitchen” is back on. I’ve missed your evil-tempered, foul-mouthed alpha-prick self and now I can get back into that whisk fantasy…