NOTE: I am a huge Dolly Parton fangirl. Just putting that out there right up front because I’m going in assuming they’ll all suck ’cause they ain’t her.

Dear Brooke White: (“Jolene”) You should have put your own spin on it because you came off as a pale karaoke version. I have to admit, though, that’s a deceptively difficult song to sing.

(NOTE to David Cook: I’d like to hear you sing “He’s Alive” but I know you won’t.)

Dear David Cook: (“Little Sparrow”) Pardon the language but holy shit, you are amazing. I’m tired of coming up with ways to praise you, so again with the wicked pissah, dude.

Dear Ramiele Malubay (“Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”) :gaah: If you’re still here next week, I think Congress should revisit allowing us to take part in the Presidential election. (I have no doubt your voters still have Sanjaya bumper stickers on their battered Civics.)

Dear Jason Castro: (“Travelin’ Through”)

(Oh, wait! NOTE to Syesha: Ten bucks right now says you sing Whitney Houston’s remake of “I Will Always Love You”.)

Back to Jason: That was okay. Good, but a little bland. Like Cream of Wheat—I like it, but it ain’t the first thing I reach into the cabinet for, if you know what I mean.

Dear Carly Smithson: (“Here You Come Again”) Seriously, I liked that even more than I like Dolly doing it, but if you tell anybody I said that, I’m going to take a big, fat black Sharpie and draw a Snidely Whiplash mustache on your tattoo.

Dear David Archuleta: (“Smoky Mountain Memories”) I must reluctantly confess I thought that was wicked good. Not pissah, but good.

Dear Kristy Lee Cook: (“Coat of Many Colors”) While I was a little put off at first by the slightly faster tempo, dayum girl. That was my favorite performance of yours and I LOVED the bare feet. Ignore Simon.

Dear Syesha Mercado: (“I Will Always Love You”—SCORE!) I’m not even going to write you a letter because you had the opportunity to surprise us and challenge yourself and you took what for you is the easy and predictable road. And was that display of tonsils and lung capacity at the end to supposed to impress me? It was self-indulgent.

Dear Michael Johns: (“It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right”) That pinkish-purple cravat thing…nuh-uh. As for the singing, you were pretty damn good, too. Loved it.

I’m totally blown away by how well the Idols as a whole did with Dolly Parton. Other than David Cook being my favorite of the night, the rest I’d be hard pressed to put in order.

But Ramiele… :gaah: