I decided at some point that I’d devote the long Labor Day weekend to wrestling the SSE-wanna-be into submission. I’m disconnecting myself from the ‘net (well, in a few hours—I’m not done blog-hopping yet) and stocking up on caffeine, because I desperately want to get this done.
But Shan, you’ve been talking about this for months and months now, so you must not want it that desperately, right?
Yeah, I know. But the more you want something, the easier it is to keep putting it off. If I don’t send them something, they can’t reject me, right?
If you’re a regular visitor, you know I’ve always wanted to write category romance. And I worked toward it for quite awhile. One came close—the assistant editor loved it, fought for it, but the acquiring editor didn’t bite (Correctly, I think. I’d missed the tone of the line a bit—sometimes I wonder if I’d subbed it to HAR instead of SR if it would have ended differently). Then another came close, but the line changed focus and it no longer fit (Duets to Flipside….then buh-bye Flipside). The same assistant editor who remembered the SR story she’d loved called me (maybe a year or more later) and we talked about a SIM project, plus we talked about Bombshell. It was awesome, I started getting optimistic again…and then she left the company.
I was just burnt out. Admittedly, I had some self-awareness writing-wise to develop and a couple of doors opened to me that I didn’t step through for fear of failure. But I also just got tired of it.
So left with a half-single title-length romantic comedy that obviously wasn’t going to work at H/S, I gave up. I loved that story and didn’t want to add a buttload of filler to make it single title, and I couldn’t cut it to novella length. (Besides, breaking into the NY print market with a rom com novella? That’s funny.) That’s when the freedom of e-publishing called to me. I stepped onto that wheel and around and around I go.
Now, I’m not unhappy on this wheel. I absolutely adore being able to write my books my way and having it find a home and—future option clause negotiations willing—I hope to continue to publish with Samhain, at least. (I’d love to have an EC release, too, but if you’re a reader of my books, you’ve probably seen my progression away from erotic romance. I’m not sure what’s happening there. It’s not them, it’s me.)
But it’s time to put my big-girl panties back on and knock on H/S’s door again. I’m self-aware enough to know that I have a bizarre, conflicting fear of failure mixed up with a fear of success, and I’m going to conquer it, dammit. So I’ve allotted this weekend to focus on that goal. I’ve learned a lot about my strengths, my weaknesses and my voice in the last couple of years, and I’m a little tougher than I used to be, so it’s time.