1. My family recently started watching America’s Got Talent and…I’m starting to find The Hoff a little bit sexy. (Highlight to bear witness to my secret shame.) I know. There should be some kind of scarlet letter for that particular crime. I take comfort, however, in the knowledge I don’t find him anywhere near as sexy as he himself does.

2. My sister has had my Firefly and Serenity DVDs for 40 days. I started twitching 39 days ago.

3. I’ve never seen an episode of The Bachelor. The entire premise offends my HEA-lovin’ sensibilities. I actually tried to DVR the premier episode of this past season simply because my sister keeps asking me if I watch it and I keep saying no and I’m told it’s good to shake things up occasionally, but that night lightening struck nearby, knocking out our power—and causing our DVR to miss it—which I took as a sign, reinforcing my belief that change is bad. (It did not have, however, any effect on my belief that uber-compound sentences beset by plagues of commas and the occasional em dash are good.)

4. I wish Hell’s Kitchen was on HBO so they wouldn’t have to bleep Chef Ramsay’s delicious, foul-mouthed awesomeness. The man leaves me seriously hot and bothered.

5. I’ve never seen an episode of Alias. (Sometimes a show looks stupid and then—by the time you hear it’s not—it’s too late. I can’t jump into the middle of a television series any more than I can a book series.)

6. I still miss 90210.

7. I am addicted to King Arthur (the Clive Owen & Kiera Squintly version) and pop the DVD in at least twice a month even though the movie, quite frankly, sucks.

8. My DVR box is glitching, but I haven’t scheduled a repair tech because they might replace it and I still have the season finale of The Unit and half a season of NCIS saved to watch. (Not so)Sadly, it only seems to glitch during my husband’s programming.

9. We’re still :censor: paying for :censor: HBO even though we haven’t :censor: watched the :censor: channel since the :censor: :censor: :censor: cancelled :censor: Deadwood because I still :censor: hope they’ll bring back the :censor: show. Cahksuckahs! (If you’re a Deadwood fan, I trust you read that with the appropriate accent. If not, never mind.)

10. I am, apparently, one of the few females on the planet who think the Three Stooges were the funniest bastards ever born.

11. I’m newly addicted to the PotC/Survivor-blending knock-off reality show, Pirate Master, and would have sex with Louie sober.

12. I think everybody involved with Reign of Fire should be forced to submerse themselves in ice baths and then streak during the next Superbowl half-time show. Come on, people—Christian, Matthew and dragons? That movie should have been freakin’ amazing. (Plus, sprinting shrinkage would make for a more entertaining half-time show than Janet’s nipple.)

13. Cops remains one of my all-time favorite shows. Whether I’m laughing my ass off at the capacity for sheer stupidity in my fellow man or ranting at the blatant, unapologetic civil rights violations, I’m always entertained.

Favorite themes: Saran Wrap-clad hookers rinsing and spitting while tucking ten bucks in their G-strings, then saying “I don’t know this guy—I just gived him a blowjob and then he just gived me money, but I ain’t no prostitute, Officer” and the serious bad-asses who sob and piss themselves in the face of frothing, snarling German Shephards.

Favorite recurring line: “Officer, I don’t know how that got my pocket. Honest“.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!