I’ve been married 14 1/2 years, (umm…I think. Yeah. Whatever—a long time) and I’m pretty familiar with the facial expressions of my particular specimen of the male species. For instance, Saturday night we were in a restaurant. The staring over my shoulder with a hint of a naughty smile told me he was considering one of two things. 1) Playing hooky from work to go snowmobiling or 2) taking the waitress into the back room for a quickie. My money was on option 1. The next words out of his mouth: I hear there’s snow in Twin Mountain.
Based on my keen ability for spousal translation, to follow is my transcript of my husband’s inner dialogue upon learning I want a new vacuum for Christmas:
Oh shit. A vacuum? Every guy knows you never, ever buy a woman a household appliance as a gift, especially one for cleaning. This is a test. Why the hell did I marry this bitch? I should have listened to my mother. But, shit, what if she really wants a new vacuum? I see her kick the vacuum sometimes, but it still works. She’s probably just pissed she has to vacuum and she’s pretending it’s my head. So I tracked in sawdust. Big f’ing deal. This sucks. I need a blowjob so I can think. She has everything else. The laptop, one of those Alphathingies. That handheld thing so she can read books while I’m out working just so I can track sawdust in the house. She’s not into jewelry shit. Maybe she really wants a vacuum. Or maybe she really wants something else and she’s telling me a vacuum to test me because I’m just supposed to f’ing KNOW what she wants. Bitch! Speaking of suction…
All facial expressions aside, here are the words that actually came out of his mouth:
A vacuum? Huh. Hey, did I tell you there’s snow up in Twin Mountain? I might blow off work Wednesday and go riding.
I love men. And I really do want a new vacuum.
No, I’m not going to tell him that. He should KNOW.
no woman in her right mind wants a vacuum for Christmas. Think of something else.
Funny inner dialogue.
A vacuum…. one those wireless new fangled do it yourself thingies or an upright. Regular kind or those that have the hepa-whatever filters? Maybe a shop vac. Wait, no, no, she would have said that.
Shan, shan, get a grip. You want CASH for Christmas. That way you can find yourself the vacuum bargain of the year, get just what you want and hopefully have enough left over to go to the bookstore. Duh!:rofl:
Love you, even if you’re silly enough to ask for a vacuum.
Doesn’t the womens :rulez: book say something about not asking for appliances for Christmas? Well I guess they could be “special” appliances :nod: but geez. Course I asked for a coffee maker so what do I know? Granted it was in antique red and had a thermal pot and matched my KitchenAid stuff so….
:popcorn: Let me know how this ends. And you really should think of something else. How about….some ref books you’ve been wanting? I know you had a list of a few you liked.
Okay, so I’m a book whore…someone who isn’t think of something fun!
:rofl: Loving the inner dialogue. My hubby, of course, takes me at my word. No worrying. You want a vacuum? Here’s a vacuum. No “appliance anxiety”. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Well, I actually want a vacuum. :tomato:
And, being the mom, I would buy myself a much shittier vacuum than I’d receive as a gift. :groucho:
I KNOW I’m getting PotC2, so it’s all good. :boogie:
I wonder if those were the kind of thoughts that went thru Jaci’s head when I wanted motorcycle parts for my birthday :lmao: