Dear David Cook: (”Hungry Like the Wolf — Duran Duran—SQUEE!) Ohmigod. I hated it. I’m so sorry. Especially the “doo doo” parts. I can’t believe it, and I have so much guilt.
Dear Syesha Mercado: (”Big Wheels Keep On Turning”…or is it “Proud Mary”?—Tina Turner) That whole dance routine bridge was tres […]

Neil Diamond? Oh, come on! What’s next? Julia Ward Howe week?
Digression—NCIS: Anybody else think the giving of the laptop would have been more touching if she’d given her the power cord, too?
Anyway…(Pleasepleaseplease don’t let Archuleta sing “Sweet Caroline”.)
Crap, they’re each doing two songs tonight. I’ll take the performances in order rather than try to […]

Please don’t text and smoke crack at the same time.
   
 On what planet were Jason and Brooke better than Carly and Syesha?
 Idiots.

First, back in my March 19th Letters to the Idols, I said:
Dear David Archuleta: (”The Long and Winding Road”) My sister will call me later and give me a telephonic bitchslap for saying this, but: I think you are a fabulous Broadway-ish singer, but not a “pop” singer. If they have Andrew Lloyd Webber week, […]

Did I mention my kids are on spring break?
Quite a while ago, an Evil Video Rental Conglomerate moved into town and put our nice, comfy little-town video rental place out of business. Not willing to provide ten major credit cards and a DNA sample to the EVRC, we went without. This led to […]

Dear Michael Johns: (”Dream On” by Aerosmith”) Dude, you totally had me drooling with adoration for you, until you tried to reach for it. Only Steven Tyler can do that without making me cringe. Bonus points for choosing a tough song that spoke to you. If I had a chihuahua, it would have liked you.
Dear […]

NOTE: I am a huge Dolly Parton fangirl. Just putting that out there right up front because I’m going in assuming they’ll all suck ’cause they ain’t her.
Dear Brooke White: (”Jolene”) You should have put your own spin on it because you came off as a pale karaoke version. I have to […]

Yesterday I received a mysterious email, the contents of which read: “Check out June”. Yes, that’s all it said. (It wasn’t all that mysterious, of course, because I knew who it was from.) Oooh, a scavenger hunt! The game was short lived, however, because I saw them immediately.
Tony and Charlotte are […]

Dear Ramiele Malubay: (”Alone” by Heart) Hey, we were both born on 9/6! (We won’t talk about the year, though.) As for your singing, you have lovely tonsils, but I wouldn’t recommend taking on Heart again. The Wilson sisters didn’t screech like howler monkeys being gangraped by horny, horny hippos.
Dear Jason Castro: […]

Dear American Idol Producers: Beatles two weeks in a row is totally uncool. I know last week was technically songs written by Lennon or McCartney, not necessarily performed by them, but that’s semantics. When the hell is ABBA week, dudes?
Dear Amanda Overmeyer: (”Back in the U.S.S.R.”) That was a little weak, but […]