There once was a post that was sticky…
This post will remain at the top until…oh, Christmas Eve, probably. Check under it for any sign of inane daily ramblings.
So what’s this post for? LIMERICKS!!! Read ‘em, write ‘em, post ‘em. Anything holiday related.
Warning: Anything after the jump may contain bad language, sexual content, overwhelming festivity and/or Grinchiness and possibly the worst rhyming you’ve ever seen in your life. Proceed with caution and a sense of humor.
(Update: I decided to unsticky this one because I have a book releasing, but we can still play)
There once was a stressed out Mom
Whose house looked like test ground for a bomb
Poor Santa will stumble
And bad, bad words mumble
If she can’t restore some domestic calm.
Okay…ready…set…GO!
December 13th, 2006 at 9:35 am
There once was a bright Christmas Fairy
Who fell for a man who was hairy
He took her home, where
She found out he was Were,
And the mating resulting was scary…
Hmmm. Poor. Will try harder.
December 13th, 2006 at 10:02 am
There once was a writer so harried
She almost forgot she was married
To her husband’s chagrin
She couldn’t find him
Under the piles of deadlines she carried
December 13th, 2006 at 10:41 am
A gal once made cookies galore
And by Christmas this job was a chore
So she sat down and ate
by the bowlful and plate
Until she just had to have more.
~signed, the cookie monster
December 13th, 2006 at 11:08 am
There once were some really bad elves
Who ate ALL the food on my shelves
Don’t wanna go to the store
Just to buy more
That they’ll eat up all by themselves.
(A tall elf and a short elf, of course.)
December 13th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
A girl wrote Santa a letter
Asking for a love life that’s better
Santa told the elves
To outdo themselves
With hot and wild sex toys to get her.
December 13th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
There once was a very fine writer
that told all the critics to “bite her”
because when she was made famous
they were all put to shamus
and all the readers did love her.
December 13th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
There once was a fat man called Santa
Who in sex, was a bit of a panter
He wasn’t all twit -
This Santa had wit
Yes - Santa the panter could banter.
~~~~~~
A Christmas tree’s fun decorations
Can offer new heights of sensation
But baubles of glass
Are a threat to your arse
So please stick to safe titillation.
December 16th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
There once was a reindeer quite frisky
For reindeer love that was risky
While pulling the sleigh
He wanted to play
With Blitzen (who’d had too much whiskey)
December 18th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
There once was a man on my roof
who claimed to have got there by hoof
I thought he was dotty
or ready to rob me
So I told him to cough up some proof
First he showed me the reindeer and sleigh
while his beer belly jigggled away
I still didn’t buy it
and told him to fly it
or I’d be shovelling deer poop all day
Next he modelled the trademark red suit
with the faux fur and shiny black boot
I said, “Give me a break
‘cuz that suit is a fake,
and you look like a big wooly fruit”
He said “Fine I’ll go back to the Pole”
and told Comet, “Get ready to roll.”
Then he called me a turd
so I shot him the bird
and for Christmas that year I got coal
December 18th, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Wax.
I miss you dammit.